Patricia Del Rosario

Boxing Fight

The opposing fighter was tall and long, at least for a 141 lb. I thought cutting the 15 pounds this past week would give me an advantage making me bigger than my opponent, but this guy was much bigger than I had anticipated. I took a deep breath in. My head felt light. Cutting that weight had taken its toll but there was no turning back. My opponent was in front of me, and I had no choice but to vanquish them.

They glared at me with hate. I could feel it. Their stare pierced my soul and cut through my body all the way into my legs.

Don’t show weakness. Keep focus and remember they’re only human. You’ve got this kid.

I heard the announcer call my name, and I lifted up my arms in a victory pose. Body language was everything, or so I heard. That’s when the boos and jeering came. The crowd was against me. The venue was in the opponent’s home neighborhood, so that made sense. Nevertheless, I could feel the wave of negativity hit me. Still, my heart would not be beaten. I was going to do this in spite of the fact that I had all of this to overcome. It would make a win that much sweeter.

Then the announcer called out their name. They raised their hands too and smiled as they did so. The crowd went wild. They cheered and many stood up. The sound was overwhelming. There was power in it, and it was almost as if the enemy got bigger. The energy filled the ring. I could feel it.

You can do this. You have to do this. Prove them wrong.

The referee called us both to the middle. He gave us his instructions. The whole time my opponent and I stared into each other’s eyes. Their eyes seemed red with hate and rage. They scowled, and I glared back. They were not going to intimidate me. The crowd was not going to beat me. The voices in my head, were not going to beat me. The haters who had told me I couldn’t do it were going to be proven wrong. Somewhere in the crowd, was my brother. He was here this time, and hopefully he was wearing the shirt I gave him.

We touched gloves and headed back to our corners. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. My chest was heavy but light at the same time. My legs, well, they were weak. I had done a lot of running the past few days to cut the weight. It was a hard cut but that wasn’t going to stop me. There were so many of my heroes who overcame much worse than sore legs. I was going to do the same and be an inspiration to everyone who knew me. They were going to hear about this fight and be impressed. The next time I fight, there would be a crowd and they’d all chant my name. They’d believe in me, but first I had to believe in myself. It was time to shine. I had trained hard, now it was time to show off my skills.

The referee sent us back to our corners then called out “box!”

I moved to forward towards my opponent. I was going to take the center of the ring and establish dominance. My opponent did the same. They moved towards me. Both of us were in the center, but neither engaged yet. We circled around each other. I changed levels and feigned a jab to their body. They shifted their weight as if to throw a hook. I got back out of range. It wasn’t time to trade punches, not yet. I inched forward and established dominance. I had taken the ground that I needed to and was now holding the center of the ring. I threw a jab out to test the range. They were too far for it to land but I wanted to get a feel before I moved in. They were all tall so I’d have to get close by punching my way in, all the while dodging blows. I needed to set the pace. I needed to land the first punch.

I threw two jabs, stepped forward, changed levels and readied a right straight to their body.

Wham!

What did he just hit me with?

Wham! Wham!!

Another punch landed. They had thrown two. One hit my chin and another my temple. I didn’t see the combo but it was a right hand followed by a left. That much I knew based on wear the punches had landed.

I needed to get out of their range. I moved my feet, narrowly dodging a right hand. I couldn’t see straight but I knew they were on me. I could feel the force of their body as they moved forward chasing after me. They threw punches the whole time.

Ding! Ding!!

My head bounced around. I tried to move out of range and circle away from their power, so as to recover, but they kept the pressure. They moved in on me with an aggression that I had never seen before. They were a bull and there was no escape. I had no choice, I needed to fight back and I couldn’t fight them long because their reach would beat me every time. I threw a long jab, followed by a leaping left hook to get close. Neither punch landed. In a last ditch effort, I pivoted my back foot and rotated my hips then… bam! My right found its mark.

They stumbled backwards, grunting.

I couldn’t let up. I needed to turn the pressure forward. Though I still couldn’t see. It was chaos and I had to rely on my instincts.

I moved in and they threw some long punches at my face. It was just as I thought. They were head hunting, which meant it was time for me to go to the body.

What was once a boxing match, turned into a brawl. I doubt the crowd could tell what was going on as we threw with reckless abandonment. I went to the body then moved up to their head, while they threw uppercuts and short hooks. We were all over the ring, against the ropes and in the middle. At one point, I felt my back against them and I rolled out of the way.

Their punches were effective as they landed against my chin and temple. It was like there was a weight in my head, and with every punch it got heavier and heavier.

I pushed forward and pressed my head into their chest. I drove with my legs, though they were weak, I was able to muster enough strength to move my opponent backwards into the red corner, my corner.

They kept a high guard, so I went low to the body. I hit them with my right cross, left hook low, left hook head combo. After hitting them with that hook, I loaded up my right and bam! I nailed them right in the chin.

Now was my chance.

I could hear my corner screaming “double up on that right hand. Double up!”

I went to throw it when something slammed into my temple. I stumbled but stayed strong only to eat something. It hurt. I could feel it through the adrenaline. Then I got hit again. No doubt, they had just timed my cross and thrown a hook, uppercut, hook combo.

Nevertheless, I pressed forward. They were in the corner. I couldn’t let up. Bam! Bam! Bam!

Their punches were landing but so were mine, at least to the body. My head shots were skipping off of his gloves while they were counterpunching down the middle. I was getting sloppy. I needed to shape up, but I was tired too. I couldn’t breathe.

Wham! I got hit with something in the chin again. It was that damn uppercut. It was finding my jaw all day.

The bell rang when I felt their punch slam into my throat. I looked to the referee but they didn’t see the shot. My opponent had gotten away with it.

I was in my corner. Reality was shifting much the same way that a boat shifts around to the waves of the ocean. There was a ringing in my ears and I couldn’t hear what my coach was saying.

“Watch out for that damn uppercut!” He shouted in my face.

I was standing, looking at my opponent. They were standing too. I could feel their growing confidence. The crowd too, I could hear them screaming the fighters name, shouting for them to go for the knockout.

You’re not going to knock me out. I’m going to win this and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

Ding! The bell rang and it was time to get it on.

We were both in the center, throwing with reckless abandonment. There was no mercy from either of us. My head bounced around. I didn’t even see the punches but I knew I had gotten hit because I was seeing spots.

What am I doing again?

My vision came back and my opponent was in front of me.

Oh yeah, I’m in a fight.

I threw my hands up as they pressed me into the corner.

Bang! Bang! Bam!!

Three consecutive shots all hit my mouth.

I couldn’t stay here. I pressed forward throwing a hard right hand. They slipped back dodging it and then hit me with that fucking hook-uppercut-hook combo. I had just been hit six times in a row and the pain was unbearable. The weight in my head was heavy too. I felt like falling down.

Can’t give up now.

I kept fighting, throwing the punches I needed to. Head-body-head, kill the body and the head will die. That’s what I thought.

We were wrestling now. Throwing each other around the ring.

I had them against the ropes. They pulled back and rolled out.

I pulled a dirty boxing move and grabbed the side of their head with my left, then I hammered my right hand into their face. Blood spurted. They were bleeding. They were human. Theypressed forward and I pushed them back. Now it was time for me to be the bull.

I marched forward throwing every punch I could, and they peppered me with jabs as they backed up. They didn’t hurt but they were landing points. I had to do something or else I’d lose this fight, and I couldn’t let that happen. My brother crossed my mind. I didn’t want him to see me lose.

My opponent grabbed the back of my head and threw me around. Then they nailed me with a hard right hand.

The referee stepped in the middle of us and instructed them not to touch the back of my head again. Good thing he hadn’t seen the move I threw earlier.

Now the enemy was pushing against me. I moved backwards when something slammed into my jaw followed by a second and then finally a third. I didn’t see them but I was told later that it was a cross-hook-cross combo. I was on the floor. I could hear the crowd cheering. I shot up and looked at my opponent who was throwing his hands up.

I’m not finished yet.

I looked at them with determination. This fight was still on and I was going to win. I couldn’t see straight but it was no matter. I was not going to lose. I was going to find a way to win.

I could go Form 2.

Form 2 was a style of boxing that I had developed in which I fight on my toes and bounce around with as much speed as I could muster. I’d pop in slam my opponent with as many punches as I could then bounce out. There was a lot of footwork to it and it was highly aggressive.

I decided I’d wait until the third round. I’d get them against the ropes, wrestle them and tire them out. Then I’d go into the kill after they were weak. It would work. It had to work. In the meantime, I’d get through this round.

We were at each other’s throats, battling it out.

Just one more round, then I’ll go Form 2.

Something slammed into the side of my head, then my chin, then my head. I could barely see. I needed to get out of range of their punches. I stepped and slipped then everything went white again.

I heard a thump but couldn’t see. Then everything began to come back. I saw someone standing over me, telling me not to move. It was the ring doctor. I had just suffered a knockout.

The crowd was wild. I could hear them cheering and laughing. When I was walked out of the ring, I could hear them jeering at me.

I heard one-person shout “go home you bum!”

The brutality of the sport had just become apparent.

I was in the locker room, sobbing into a towel. My coach was behind me yelling.

“I told you to watch out for that uppercut!” He was fuming. “All that training was wasted and you’re wasting my time if you’re going to compete like that.

I sobbed some more. Snot and tears flowed down my face.

Then I heard someone walk in. I looked up to see my brother Scott. He was wearing a T-shirt my fight team had made. It had my name on it.

He looked at my coach. “Can I have a minute with it?”

We were alone and there was silence. I was the first to speak. The words choked out through sobbed “I wish Mom and Dad had been here… I wish they were still here.”

“Well they’re not, but I am. I don’t ever want you doing that again.”

I took in a deep breath.

“I can’t. If I give up then they win.”

“You are wasting your money, time, and energy on something stupid.”

“I refuse to throw in the towel. I’m not a quitter”

“They wouldn’t have wanted you to start. Paul, you’re going to get hurt. You’ve already gotten hurt. Stop doing this. It’s a waste. Focus on something else.”

Everything hurt.

“Jordan, I’m not going to stop.”

“Well, these fighters have something you don’t.”

“And what’s that?”

“The support of their families. I will not support you in this Paul. You will never see me at one of your fights again.”

He walked out and I was left by myself. I covered my head with the towel and sat in shame.

I went back to my apartment where I lay in a dark room. I looked up at the ceiling. Hours passed by. I thought about the meals I had skipped and the whole process that led up to the fight. The training, the concussions, the busted up noses, and the hope for something greater all came into my mind. It was all for naught. I had lost and in this sport there was no glory for losers.

I grit my teeth and threw my phone across the room. My fists clenched, and I couldn’t believe it. I had never imagined losing. I thought I was going to win. My determination was there, but I failed. Was there any point in trying? I didn’t think so.

My head hurt a lot. It felt swollen, like it was bigger than my skull. I imagined it being squished in a small space. The thought caused more pain. I looked at the ceiling and things were rotating. Nothing stood still. The doctor told me it would be three months before I could fight again. I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to do it anymore. The pain went through my whole body. I knew I was hungry but I didn’t want to eat. I couldn’t move. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t even do that. All the energy I had leading up to that fight was gone. What replaced it was darkness that sapped me of strength.

I stayed in bed for three days, only getting up to eat toast. I skipped class Monday and Tuesday. I couldn’t have focused anyways. My brain was too messed up.

I fought seven more times, seven times, and I lost each fight. I was never knocked out again. I lost each by decision, with each fight being more disappointing than the last. There was something when I competed that prevented me from winning. I’d be in the ring and I’d hit a wall that I couldn’t break through. It was impossible, and I failed. I failed miserably.

After a while the regulars began recognizing me. Each time I’d get out of the ring, I’d hear them say things like “keep your head up”, or “don’t give up champ”, but I wanted to. Each time I grew more depressed than the last. Each time I’d find myself lying in bed staring up at the ceiling, all alone. They say Boxing is the loneliest sport in the world. It really is.

There’s an expression I heard once and that’s bitter old man was once an idealistic young man who saw the world for what it could be only to grow up to see the world for what it is. I guess that’s what I am.

---

Sarah and Paul

Paul woke up on the beach. They had been here before. Behind them was the mountain shaped like a contorted face. The skies were black and the sea was red. They watched in the distance as lightning cracked the sky. Behind them, they heard a voice.

“This is his world.”

Paul whipped around and saw her. It was Sarah, the friend they had lost so many years ago.

Sarah had brown hair and tan skin. She was dressed well though. She was wearing the uniform from her dancing days in school.

“Who?” Paul asked.

“The Man. He owns this place.”

“Who is he?”

“He’s the one who killed me.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yes, I was murdered. Let me show you.”

Sarah

Sarah was seven years old when she was backstage getting ready to go on for her Ballet recital. She had practiced so hard and the instructor had told her that she was a natural. The routines before hers were the younger kids. They had to be reminded what their movements were so the teachers were to the side of the stage instructing them. Sarah was determined to finish the routine without any failures. She didn’t need to be reminded of the dance moves because she had practiced them and could pull them off perfectly. She held her breath and felt the excitement radiating through her little body. There was fear too. Her mind drifted to the thought that perhaps she would mess up and look terrible during the dance. She pushed the idea away. No, she had practiced too hard. She was going to do great. She was sure of it.

Moments passed that seemed like hours. The other kids did their routines and then got off the stage, at which point they ran into the arms of their proud parents. Sarah had thought of her mom and dad. They were in the crowd. She smiled in anticipation. She was going to show her parents how good she was. 

She heard her name called and all of a sudden she was on the stage looking out over the crowd. A light was shining on her. She looked down and took a few deep breaths, then the music started. She looked up and danced her little heart out, hitting every beat perfectly. She was a warrior princess showing everyone her skill. She didn’t even need to look at her instructor who was trying to coach her in case she had forgotten a move or two. 

Sarah didn’t. 

She nailed everything and when the music stopped, she heard the crowd. Everyone was cheering and some people were even standing. She looked out across the room at all the people. Then she saw her mom, she was crying cheers of joy while clapping her hands together. Sure enough, her dad was also standing while holding onto a video camera. He was smiling ear to ear and shouting affirmations. She couldn’t make out what he was saying but she could feel the warmth in his words. Everything in her felt love and she radiated it back out. She could feel a catharsis after it was all said and done.

Once she was off the stage, her parents were waiting for her. She ran into her mother’s arms and they wrapped around her. Her mom hugged and kissed Sarah telling her how proud she was. Her father patted her on the back and told her how much he loved her. Nothing could have been more perfect.

Sarah was seventeen. The score was 23-23 in the final set of the city championship. She was playing outside hitter at the time. The position she excelled at. While she wasn’t as tall as some of the other players, her muscles built up from ballet allowed her to jump high. She could spike the ball with great force and on more than one occasion, it had ricocheted off of the rival players’ faces. 

She was poised, ready to do her job, provided the setter did hers. Seconds ticked by and the crowd was cheering chants for their respective teams. Though, Sarah couldn’t listen to them right now. She had to focus on what mattered. With each breath, adrenaline filled her body. She waited in anticipation for the serve. Across from her were her opponents. They too were curled ready to pounce like Siberian Tigers. The server readied the ball and then hit it, causing a loud smack. The ball was gone, darting over the net onto the opposing team’s side. The enemy libero received the ball and popped it up to their setter who in turn set up one of their players for the spike. Sarah’s team readied themselves as the ball was smashed back to their side. Both Sarah and the middle blocker positioned themselves so as to attempt to block the ball when it came their way. Both sprung into the air, but it was Sarah who stopped the ball. The other team did their best to recover but it bounced back onto the gymnasium’s floor. The score was now 24-23 and if everything went according to plan, they could find themselves winning the city championship for the first time in fifteen years. They were heavy underdogs. This could be their chance to finish off a spectacular Cinderella Season. Sarah readied herself again. She could not fail. The whole team was counting on her to succeed.

The ball was hit harder this time and flew over the net like a jet breaking the sound barrier. The opposing team had a defensive specialist and she was able to pass the ball to the setter, who in turn was able to make a perfect set to the opposing outside hitter. There was a solid and powerful spike right back to Sarah’s team’s side. The friendly libero barely caught the ball off of her forearms and passed it with too much force back to the enemy team’s side. This time the enemy outside hitter timed it right and was able to smash the ball back to Sarah’s side. Again the friendly libero caught the ball, buckling under its force. Somehow the friendly setter was able to make a set. It was an ugly one, far from perfect. Sarah watched the ball as it floated through the air determined to end this game once and for all. It was the moment of truth. She would not fail. Her knees bent and then starting at her feet, she pushed all of her energy upward springing towards the ceiling. The other team leapt up to block the ball in preparation for what Sarah was about to do.

Slam!

It was over!! Sarah had scored the winning point for the new city champions. Everyone, the players, the coaches, and the crowd in the stands, all leapt for joy at the moment the ball hit the opposing side’s floor. The rest of the girls on the team all raced together and embraced, jumping in the air with excitement. They had worked hard and it had all paid off. Sarah was so happy. It couldn’t have been a better moment and she was a warrior goddess who heroically snatched victory from her enemies.

She looked over to the crowd and her parents were standing there, so proud of their little girl. They were smiling and cheering. Sarah smiled back and held her arms up in the air in a victorious pose. Nothing could have been more perfect.

Sarah was 22. She was attending an aerial class that her friend Paul had driven her to. She hated driving as she got terrible anxiety. She had been unsuccessful in walking on to the volleyball team at her college. She coped well though, involving herself in the dance team and doing things like aerials as well. She was new to it but had a natural affinity for it, no doubt from her years of ballet when she was a child. She was sure to listen to the commands of the coach who was leading the room. The instructor announced that they were to practice their climbs. The technique Sarah had learned was called the American Climb. She wrapped one of the silks around her left foot then she placed her right on top of the left. She then pulled herself up several feet, using her feet as leverage. She climbed it a second time and found herself high up. It was an invigorating feeling for her as she looked around the room. With her left arm she wrapped it around the silk and then extended her right arm straight out, letting herself tilt slightly. In that moment she felt powerful beyond measure.

She then let herself slide back down to the floor, being careful not to go too fast as that could cause injury. Now she wanted to practice a more advanced technique. She stuck both arms through the silk, twisting the material around them. She then bent her knees, pulled with her arms, and kicked upward, now hanging upside down with only the silk holding her across her hips. With straight legs she brought her toes to her face in an upside down v formation. The next step was to transition back around and to sit in a seated position. She twisted and reached up to grab the silk then pulled her body upward while switching positions to where she was sitting on the silk. She smiled from ear to ear as she completed the move. Now it was time for the most advanced technique that she had known.

She let herself drop a little bit and then moved in a black flip formation. The material caught her on her lower back as her feet ascended to where her head had been. She was now hanging upside down again being held safely by the silk. Her legs were spread straight out and her arms were extended as well. For a brief moment she let herself rock back and forth. Her adrenaline was going but she was secured by the material and was safe. She let out a laugh as she hung there. She could hear the instructor shouting words of affirmation. The activity was so much fun that the time had flown by. The hour-longhour long class was over. She was now standing on her two feet and looking at her friend Paul. She smiled at him and he returned the favor with a thumbs up. Nothing could have been more perfect.

A month later was the night of the mixed Genders dance occurring during halftime of a home basketball game. The dance squad along with selected inexperienced partners were waiting in a secluded room hidden next to the gymnasium. Sarah was waiting in excitement for what was sure to be a memorable experience. Then she noticed the door into the room opening, and Paul walked in. They had been late on account of a boxing match that they had partaken in. They weren’t big and was only mildly athletic, but they were determined to be a fighter and had a passion for the sport. As soon as they entered the room, Sarah could see the pain and disappointment on their face. Their energy sapped and their body language slouched. They went to the nearest seat that they could find and sat down. No one really noticed and none of the other boys or girls had known that they had been in a fight earlier in the day. The only one who was aware of it was Sarah. 

Her heart sank for her friend. She had wanted them to be successful. After a few moments, she decided to approach them. She walked towards them. They were unaware, lost in their own little world. She was now standing in front of them. 

“You lost, didn’t you?.”

They looked at the floor and nodded their head.

“I know you’re disappointed, but I’m sure getting in that ring took more courage than anyone can imagine. You should hold your head high.”

They looked up but she could still see the sadness in their eyes.

“Right now, you are going to be a part of something amazing. I know you’re sad, and you have every right to be, but focus on here and now. You’re also on a team. We’re counting on you.”

They took a second and then spoke. “Everything’s really dizzy. I can’t see straight.”

Now she was concerned. “Do you think you have a concussion?”

They nodded their head. “I got hit hard.”

Not sure what to say, she stammered. Then she said, “do you think you can do this?.”

They stood up and shook arms out. “I do, and I have to. Like you said, I’m on a team and people are counting on me.”

She reached out and gave them a hug trying to radiate as much warmth as she could into their body.

Then in no time, they were out on the gymnasium floor. All of them were on one knee waiting in anticipation for the music to start. There was silence throughout the gym. The crowd was not making noise. There were no balls bouncing and not a sound could be heard. Then sound waves burst from the speakers that were sent in all directions. They bounced off of the floor and the walls. People began cheering as the team started moving to the groove of music. Sarah was focused on her own part in the routine. Her partner next to her, pulling off the moves as well. She was unsure how the rest of the team was doing but the energy from everyone was contagious. She didn’t know for sure but she could feel that everything was going as planned. The song switched into another one and everyone moved into a new dance style. They kicked, turned, spun around, and struck poses in accordance with the beat. The final song switch happened. The team triumphantly finished with each of their unique poses. The music ended and the crowd stood cheering for everyone. Out of the corner of her eye, Sarah could see Paul run forward as they jumped in the air, clicking their feet together. She smiled and took in the moment. The energy from the crowd, the warmth of the team, and the sense of accomplishment created a rush in her that was hard to describe. It was better than any drug. She spread her arms wide and felt everything happening around her. Nothing could have been more perfect.

Two months later was spring break. Sarah and her boyfriend, along with a couple of other friends, had planned a camping trip to the Black Canyon. In anticipation for the event, Sarah had bought a new pair of hiking boots that she was going to wear while in the wilderness. She was so excited and could feel it in her stomach. Nature was her favorite. Nothing was better than getting outdoors, and being with the man she loved would make it all the better. The morning before they made the long drive, she made her boyfriend blueberry pancakes. She had initially messed up the recipe but they were still delicious. He showed appreciation as he ate them. When they were done, their friends arrived and then they all packed up the car with their stuff. Then they were off.

The group was hiking. Sarah was leading them when she started thinking about existential things. Mother Nature was the source of everything and she felt connected to it with all of the life around her. It was everywhere and she wanted to connect to it. She had to. Suddenly she got a burst of energy and sprinted ahead of the group.

She could hear them yelling from behind, to which she replied. “I need to connect with Mother Nature!”

She went far ahead on the trail. She didn’t know where she was going but she had to go. She moved quickly, more quickly than she knew possible. Where did this energy come from? It didn’t matter. What mattered is that she had to connect with everything that was good. What was good? Oh, it was the abundance of life around her. It was everywhere, and she was all of it. She made it to the end of the trail where there was the scenic route. She looked out over the canyon and spread her arms. She was everything and everything was her. Nothing was out of reach. If nature could do this, then she could do anything. She would do anything. She was perfect. She was a being of light, and beings of light are gifted with something magical that can only be realized once one learns their own potential. Sarah had learned her potential and saw the world for what it was, beautiful. Everything was beautiful.

She jumped up and down and started dancing. This was a moment to be celebrated. Everything about it needed to be celebrated. If she couldn’t celebrate it then she wasn’t a being of light, and beings of light celebrate creation. This wasn’t just any ordinary day for her. This was the most spectacular one that could possibly be imagined. She yelled out at creation. Her voice rang through the air.

At this point the group approached her from behind.

She whipped around to see her boyfriend leading the group to where she was.

Before they could say anything, she spoke. “I’m doing so well right now. Better than I’ve ever been. You’re all wonderful. I appreciate you. We’re beings of light you know. We all are. We just have to realize how great our light is. It’s impeccable that you all understand right now.”

The group made no noise but stared at her.

She continued. “I’m going to go back to the car to get the tent. I’ll set up camp. I’m the best at it.”

She sprinted around them, making her way down the trails. All the life was around her and all she could think was how beautiful it all was and how it gave her energy. She could feel it. The lifeforce of the universe was pumping into her and she was bound to accomplish anything and everything she ever wanted. She would use this energy and never make a mistake again. She’d go back to school where she’d try out for the Volleyball team and make it. Then she’d go and get all A’s in each of her classes. She’d also get involved on campus and become the student leader she always wanted to be. She could do all of this and more, but first, she had to deal with the tent situation.

She had made it back to the car where she grabbed the tent and then she began setting it up. She did it all perfectly, or so she thought. No, it was messed up. She undid everything and then redid it again.

There was a second tent to be set up too. It would be for her and her boyfriend. She set that one up the very best she could. There’d be no mistakes. Just as she hammered the last pike into the ground, she heard the group arrive behind her.

“Sarah”, her boyfriend said. “What have you done?”

“I set up the tents.”

“I see that, and they’re all wrong. Look at what you did to the car. Everything’s everywhere.”

“No, it’s not.” She replied. “I set everything up perfectly. Everything’s perfect.”

She started dancing and singing. This was a moment of celebration and there was no need to stop the party.

That night after dinner. Sarah and her boyfriend were in their tent talking.

He asked “are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m so fine. I’m in the perfect environment right now. I am surrounded by beauty and I’m with the man I love. I love you, you know. No need to say anything, just take it in. It’s all wonderful. You’re wonderful. We should have kids someday after we’re married. When we are, I’ll be the happiest woman in the world. There won’t be anything better than that. The way I see it…”

“Hold on.” He said. “What do you mean kids? I don’t want kids.”

“Sure you will. You’ll make a great father. I already know it. There’s so much about you that would go well with all of it. I’m telling you. This whole thing is going to be wonderful. It’s going to be awesome…”

She talked for hours. She didn’t sleep all night.

Before the sun was up, she was up. She needed to see the view of the sunrise. She sprinted down the path again towards the scenic route. She made it just in time to see the horizon.

It was beautiful. The sun cascaded across the canyon and set everything alight.

While technically this was ordinary, everything about it felt extraordinary. Sure, the sun rising happens every day but there was something beautiful about this moment. It was all beautiful. At that moment, she was connected with eternity. This site was here before she was born and it’d be here after her death. Oh death, she hadn’t thought about that in a long time.

Everything dies. Nature is cruel like that. She realized that even while she was thinking somewhere out on the horizon some creature was dying. It was horrible. Why do things have to be so horrible like that? It wasn’t right. Why would Mother Nature let her children die in such horrendous ways? It made no sense. It was wrong. Something about this was all so very wrong.

How could things be that way? She then thought about her own death. Yes, she was going to die, and it’d probably be painful. All of this was going to end in some way. Whether it was by a super volcano, an asteroid, or nuclear war, something was going to end everything.

Everyone she knew and loved were going to die. Even if she had kids, they’d die too. They’d be born into this cruel world where they’d experience pain. It would all hurt so much. What was the point of it all anyways if we’re all going to die? Why do things have to be that way?.

She thought about some poor critter somewhere being eaten by a larger predator. She was sure that it was happening somewhere. Why do creatures have to hurt each other to stay alive? It wasn’t fair. All of it was wrong. Why are things like this? This isn’t fair! This world is horrible and it’s not worth living in.

She started screaming. Her voice echoed all around as her shrill voice filled the air. 

“You motherfucker!” The words cut through the wind. “How dare you? I’m going to kill you!” She shouted at the wilderness. “We’re all fucked, every last one of us!”

In that moment, she stared into the abyss, and she saw monsters. She wanted to die.

She made her way back to camp and found everyone awake.

“Where were you?” Her boyfriend asked. “We’ve been worried sick…”

“You’ve been worried? I’ve been worried! I’m worried for all of you. All of you are going to die and there’s nothing you can do about it and it shows that none of you care. None of you care at all! I hate you!!” She started screaming as loudly as she could in the direction of her boyfriend. He ran to her and she responded by hitting him, repeatedly. He cried out.

“Sarah, why are you-”

She threw both of her hands to her head and screamed louder than she had before. The sound echoed and eternity heard it.

A week later, Sarah had just gotten out of the hospital and was in her room lying in bed. She looked up at the ceiling where her mind raced. Her first manic episode happened when she was nineteen but they were becoming more and more frequent, and worse and worse. This one had scared her the most. Would they continue? She was tired of having them and each one seemed worse than the last. Blake hadn’t texted her back or returned her phone calls. She wondered if she’d ever see him again. Then she heard a voice. It was soft and smooth.

They’ll all leave you when they find out. Your lovers, your friends, even your mom and dad will leave you.

All of a sudden, she found herself standing in a field with fog all around. How had she gotten here? She looked and saw graves too, but she was alone. She called out, and no one answered. She looked to the sky, but could not see anything through the black clouds. A streak of lightning flashed across the sky followed by a crack of thunder, causing her to jump. Then she saw a figure in the fog approaching her. It was a man. Once he was close, he smiled and opened his arms.

“Hello, my love.” He said as a ray of sunshine began shining through the clouds. They spread, revealing a blue sky. The grass had suddenly turned a vibrant green and there were birds chirping, singing songs as they flew through the air. It took her a second but then she knew. The man standing in front of her was her husband. She stared at him longingly, when she noticed a little boy peeking out from behind him. The man spoke again. “Go on, she wants to see you.”

The boy stepped out from behind the man, looked at Sarah, and then spoke. “Mommy, come play with us.” He tugged at her shirt. At that moment, she knew he was her child and she loved him. He began running away and shouted at her, “come, catch me if you can.”

She ran after him, and once she was close she tagged him on his shoulder. “You’re it,” she said through a smile.

“No fair.” The boy cried as he turned around to chase Sarah. She stopped though, choosing instead to face him. Once he was close, she picked him up and held him up in the air. He laughed as she did so and kicked his little legs. She pulled him close into her chest and then kissed him on the forehead.

“Mommy loves you so much.” She said as she kissed him again while holding him close.

“You are the best mommy in the world.” The child said.

Then the man approached and embraced both of them. She could feel the warmth of his strong body as it wrapped around both her and the child. She looked up and made eye contact with him. Then he leaned down, pursing his lips for a kiss. Then she heard the voice again.

He will leave you.

Before they could kiss, the man violently pushed her back. Then he grabbed the child and stepped back several steps. He shouted, “there’s no way I will let a crazy like you around my child. Stay away from us, you psycho.”

She stepped forward and stammered but he turned around and began running away. She tried to give chase but then he dissipated into smoke. All of a sudden the field returned to its former state. There was fog everywhere. The grass was dead, the skies black, and all she could hear was the crack of thunder. Then it started to rain.

They will all leave you. Everyone.

There was a snap and all of a sudden, Sarah found herself in a room. There was only a bed and white walls around her. She looked and saw a door with a window. A man looked in at her smiling. Then his mouth began moving and she could hear the voice again.

They will lock you away, forever. Someone like you has no business in society.

Sarah ran to the door and tried to open it. It was locked and the man on the other side was laughing.

She screamed. “Where’s my family? Let me out of here.”

Behind the man were her parents. They were standing there looking through the glass. Her mother shook her head and her dad put his arm around her. Their faces looked hurt. There was pain in their eyes and they were crying. Sarah had caused them so much pain. Her craziness had ruined them. She knew she was beyond redemption.

She heard her mom’s voice, even from behind the glass. “I wish you had never been born.”

Sarah was at a loss. She didn’t know what to do and worst of all, she agreed. She really did wish she had never been born. She wanted so bad to take it back, all of it back. She wanted all of it to end, but it couldn’t, it wouldn’t. She began pounding on the glass as her parents turned around and left.

“Mom, Dad, come back.” She pleaded but they did not hear her.

They’d be better off without you. They’d be free to live their lives without having to worry about their crazy daughter.

Sarah choked on the tears that were now streaming down her face. She was in the field again. There were more graves now, and one was in front of her. It had her name on it.

There is only one way for this to end. You can be free. No more pain. Everyone will be better off, including your parents. You know what must be done. Do it.

It began raining. Sarah cried more, but her tears washed away in the rain. She knew what needed to be done, and she intended to do it.

Sarah woke up in her apartment, and immediately jumped on her computer. She opened Microsoft Word and began typing a letter to her parents. She then disabled the password and was sure that the power cord was attached. She looked around her room and proceeded to fold all of her laundry, make her bed, and then put everything else in a pile close to the front door of her room. Before leaving she picked up a teddy bear that Blake had won for her from one of those prize grab machines. She then scribbled a note really quick and then grabbed the keys to her car.  When she got to Blake’s place she could see his car in the driveway. She went up to the front door and began knocking on it. When there was no response she proceeded to pound on the door with all of her might.

She shouted, “I know you’re in there. Open up.”

She could hear his voice on the other side, talking to someone. Then after a few moments, he responded. “Go away Sarah. I already called the cops. I’d get out of here if I were you.”

She placed the teddy bear down in front of the doorway. A note was taped to it that simply said sorry. She got back in her car, and drove away. She knew what she needed to do. It was the only way for her to be free. She’d never have to be manic again.

Things will be better when you’re gone.

She had a long drive ahead of her. It would take two and a half hours to get to her destination, and she needed to gas up. She stopped at a Sinclair and then used her card to pay. While waiting, she pulled out her phone and began texting everyone she could possibly think of. Her messages were a plethora of different statements that said how much she appreciated their friends, that she loved them, and that she was going somewhere to be free. After sending out about twenty or so, she got back in her car and began driving again. She had a long way before she’d reach her destination, and she intended to get there before the afternoon was over.

You are doing the right thing. Soon you’ll be free and you will never have to experience mania or depression again. Everyone will be better too, including your parents.

She wiped off a few tears that had started coming from her eyes. This was no time to be sad. What she was about to do would be a good thing. Soon it’d all be over and things would be better. At least that’s what she thought after she put her car in drive and pushed down on the gas pedal. Soon, she’d be free from her illness. She plugged in the directions to her phone and before she knew it, she was at her destination. It was a bridge looking out over beautiful scenery. She got out of her car without looking at her phone. She didn’t want to see the responses from the people she had texted. Now, she was on top of the bridge. The sun was up and all around was beauty. She held out her arms and took everything in.

One step, and you’ll be free.

Sarah took one last look out across the canyon, then she closed her eyes. She was seven again, standing in front of the crowd. Her parents were in full view, cheering for their daughter. Then she was seventeen after she had just won the city championship. Her hands were high in the air. The crowd was cheering and now she was in the gymnasium after the dance routine. Everyone was smiling and yelling positive things at her. She saw everyone. She saw her parents.

This can’t be it, she thought. Her parents love her, they wouldn’t want her to die. They loved her.

They love you, but you’re hurting them. You will always hurt them. No matter what you do, your parents will grow to despise you.

She felt water dripping down her cheek. Could it be true?

Yes, think about how much you’ve cost them up until this point. 

It was true. She thought about all of the years they had spent driving her places and paying for her dance lessons, her volleyball leagues, and then of course, the hospital bills. She had costed her parents a pretty penny over the course of the years. 

Set them free. Once you’re gone, they can live whatever lives they would want. They won’t have to pay for you anymore and you won’t have to hurt them anymore with your craziness.

She opened her eyes and looked at the scene before her. Then, she jumped.

Sarah and Paul

We were back on the beach

“Is this a dream?” Paul asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

“Why did you show me that?”

“Because you had to know what happened to me, so that the same doesn’t happen to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I want to kill myself too.”

“Yes, and he’s coming for you too.”

“What does he want?”

“He wants you to kill yourself, Paul. He wants you to meet the same fate as me and that can’t happen.”

“Well, what about you?”

“I’m stuck here, but if you survive, if you live, then I can be free. That’s why I came to you to stop you from doing something you’d regret.”

“But you did it.”

“Trust me, you don’t want to do it.”

Paul wasn’t sure what to say. Here, this hypocrite was telling them that they couldn’t do what she did, and that didn’t seem fair.

She looked at Paul and spoke. “Look, I love you Paul. I don’t want you to die. I want you to live life and do what I cannot do.”

“Okay!” Paul said. “Whatever, so what now?”

“You have to be ready. He’s coming after you and he won’t stop until he claims your soul. He wants you dead, Paul.”

“He’s not real.”

“That’s like saying mental illness isn’t real. He’s real and he’s claimed many before me, and he’s trying to claim many after, you included.”

Paul went to say something and she stopped him.

“Listen, our time’s up. I’ll come to you again, but you have to keep surviving. No matter what he tells you, don’t believe him. He’s a liar and he’ll stop at nothing until you’re dead. Paul, I love you. Don’t let that happen.”

And in an instance, Paul was awake again and Sarah was gone. Paul was in their messy room, with laundry everywhere and they were alone. Paul took a deep breath in, but all they could think was how bad they wanted to die. Their mind drifted to how they would do it, but then they stopped and thought of Sarah. They closed their eyes and tried to picture her again, like she had been in the dream from the night before. She was gone, dead, and he was here, alive. It didn’t seem fair. She was so beautiful and they were so hideous. Then they remembered her words.

“I love you Paul. I don’t want you to die.”

Immediately they jumped up and ran to their cell phone. They dialed it and waited for the voice on the other end.

“911 what’s your emergency?”

“I want to die. Please, help me” Paul said. 

In no time, they were talking to trained mental health specialists who placed them on an M1 hold. Now was time for their next step. The hospital. 

This piece was written as apart of a larger novel that I drafted up during the course of The Pandemic. 

In this story, our protagonist Paul goes to sleep with a plan to kill themselves where they are visited by the spirit of Sarah, a long lost friend who lost her life to Suicide. After showing them her life and death, she then informs them of a demon whose only message is hopelessness and despair causing all of those he contacts to kill themselves. That demon is now after Paul and Paul must find a way to survive, or die by suicide. Upon waking, they call Emergency Services and are admitted into a hospital after being placed on a M1 Hold. This kickstarts a story in which our character finds themselves going head to head with the demon in a fight for their life. 

I chose to share this excerpt because I feel it gives an accurate portrayal of my writing ability while communicating a meaningful narrative of life, death, and ultimately hope for those who need it. That even in the darkest moments one can ask for help. The story goes on further but this excerpt is well rounded and while it is only a piece of the greater narrative, I feel it should be shared at this time.

The second excerpt I wanted to show was a flashback sequence where the main character Paul had a boxing match. It details what a fight feels like. I included this because I wanted to show a side of human nature that is brutal. One could also say, dependent upon the reader’s individual interpretation of the story, that there’s an element of toxic masculinity in this part. 

The main character Paul is meant to be non binary and the reader can choose what that means to them. I often picture Paul as a young man, but others may see him as an older woman. Still, many may not even see Gender when picturing the character, seeing instead whoever they so want. 

I wrote these stories during the pandemic in which there was a dark time where I struggled to see light. I wanted to share these nuggets from the story because I feel they are enticing and will cause others to want to read more of the novel.

Patricia Del Rosario is a living fictional character. Her pronouns are strictly she/her and she is a baby drag queen performing in the city of Denver, CO. She revealed herself to the original author during the height of the pandemic. She brought light to the creator and inspired them to hope and joy. Her mission is to share this same light with as many others as she can interact with. In addition to practicing makeup and lip syncing, she wrote a 4 drafts of a novel during the COVID experience that affected us all. She also has the goal of dismantling The Patriarchy and challenging Toxic Masculinity through her art. She presents an innocent and sweet energetic aura to all who meet her but her performances show a more chaotic side.

Right now, she is still in her infant stages overtime she has been developing. On June 25th, 2022 she graced the stage at Denver Pride performing on The Centerstage in front of a large audience. With the time, she hopes to evolve into something grand while doing something meaningful for the communities she loves and cares about.